The Elderly Are Out To Get Me

In a bizarre series of events taking place over a 12 hour period, it appears that Staten Island's senior community are out for blood. My blood...

Incident #1-
While driving home on Clarke Ave, I spy a Jeep Laredo about 20 yards ahead of me slowing to a stop, appearing to getting ready to turn into the FoodTown parking lot, waiting for another car to exit. With plenty of room to spare, I go to go around him on the right side, when he suddenly decides to turn right, effectively slamming into my poor Civic. The guy gets out of the car, and it's one of those stereotypical Staten Island guys in their 50's- you know the type- white hair, not quite old enough to be considered "an old man" but definately older than middle aged. Usually with an obnoxious tough-guy "I'm not an old man so fuck you" attitude. That type. Probable some sort of veteran. Who cares. Anyways- he proceeds to blame it on me, telling me "you're in such a rush to get around me, you're not supposed to pass on the right side". To which I reply, "if you want to get the DMV rule book out, you're supposed to signal before making a turn". Long story short, he feeds me some bullshit line that he's "in the business" of insurance then tries to instruct me how to file with my insurance company (all the while I'm thinking to myself "uhh, you need a police report for these sort of things"). His car suffered no damage while my rear drivers side door was smashed in. Luckily, the door itself opens and closes fine, so I will probably be able to get away with just replacing the door skin. His parting words to me were: "well, you're young, in a rush and you fucked up. It's not a big deal". I was not about to argue with him further.

The next morning....

Incident #2-
I drive my battered Civic to the bus in the morning, and park my car on Princeton St, as I have done every morning for the past 14 months. To preface the story I'm about to tell, I should mention that sometimes over the past year, I notice this scary looking old woman sweeping outside her house when I park my car in the morning, and to me it always appeared that she was grilling me hardcore, giving me an evil look. I figured maybe I was just imagining it, or maybe that was just her permanent facial expression. Whatever the case, I hadn't seen her outside of her house in months, leading me to believe that maybe she died. Ha ha. I usually don't park near her house, as she lives about half way up the block, and I tend to park at the top of the block closest to Hylan. However, that morning I could see most of those spots had already been taken, so I just pulled into a spot in front of her house (I should mention as a side note that the space in front of her property is large enough for about 3 cars to fit comfortably). As I get out of my car she runs out of her house in her nightgown. Here is a pretty faithful transcript of what happened:

Crazy Old Woman: Does this look like a private parking lot to you?
Me: Excuse me, what?
COW: You heard me- does this look like a private parking lot to you?
Me: Uhh..It looks like a public parking spot to me (this bitch obviously picked the wrong kid to fuck with if she was hoping for a sheepish apology)
COW: You park your car here all the time, you don't live here!
Me: Listen lady (biting my tongue from saying "fucking bitch"), where I park my car is no concern to you. This is a public street and I'll park my car whereever I want, whenever I want.
COW: This is MY house! I sweep and clean out here every day.
Me: So me parking my car here is littering your yard...Wait, you know what, this is ridiculous. This is a public street. If you have a such a problem with this, you should move to a gated community where you won't have to worry about monitoring people parking on your block
COW: GO TO HELL!

Is it me? They're out to get me.

My Iraqi Fanbase

Here's a report from Ryan in Iraq, telling me about my growing Iraqi fanbase....

Cavalry 4life: i burned your mix cd's and gave them to the Iraqis
JamesAnthonyKTU: hahahahaha no way
Cavalry 4life: they love freestyle now
JamesAnthonyKTU: they have cd players?
Cavalry 4life: yea
JamesAnthonyKTU: in their mud huts?
Cavalry 4life: they love
Cavalry 4life: it
JamesAnthonyKTU: dude thats fuckin scary
Cavalry 4life: they walk around saying "DJ James Anthony, working the mix on KTU"
JamesAnthonyKTU: hahahaha no they dont!!!
Cavalry 4life: yea
Cavalry 4life: i swear

You can't make this shit up!

Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts

I've decided there's so much random shit that goes on in my life that totally warrants posting something every day. Case study #1- Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts.

Last night started out like many other Monday nights- a quick call to Gelo and Federico, the usual "uh huh, let's just watch a movie at Federicos, see you at 8:30". After arriving at Federico's, Gelo made note of some pretty amazing new Pop Tart flavors that he had seen in the store. Now, mind you, I am no stranger to the "S'mores" and "Cinnamon Sugar" flavors that have made their way into my house in the past. However, nothing could have possibly prepared me for the assault on the senses that the good folks at Kellogg's have created, intended to keep all of the nation's children on a permanent sugar high under the innocuous guise of a "breakfast pastry". Chocolate chip cookie dough. Frosted Cookies n' Cream. Frosted Caramel Chocolate. The list goes on and on. Strawberry and Blueberry this ain't. Personally, I feel that any parent that chooses to feed their child anything containing the words "Hot Fudge Sundae" at 8 o'clock in the morning should be subject to some sort of child welfare investigation. "Sorry Mom, no eggs and toast for me this morning, I'll just pop two of these 'Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Cream' in the toaster instead...and a 20 oz. bottle of Jolt Cola to go with it".

Anyways, with little to watch on TV since the random breast-exposing, throat slashing extravaganza known as HBO's "Rome" had no new episodes on In-Demand, it was perfect excuse to make a run to everybody's favorite grocery superstore- the Super Stop 'n Shop to sample these insulin spiking treats.

Much to Gelo's dismay- the first choice "Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough" was sold out. Rather than having the balls to venture into "Frosted Caramel Chocolate" territory, he went for the standard "S'mores" while I, the true Lewis & Clark- took a bold step into the unknown with "Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae". After all, it wouldn't be a pop tart without the word "Frosted" stuck in there somehow- even though the thought of a literal frosted hot fudge sundae in itself seems improbably.

So there they were, in the toaster- warming themselves up to just the right temperature so that the inside is nice and melted and the pastry hard enough to give it just a little snap when you bite into it. Overall, I must say, these bad boys were so sweet (the first ingrediant listed is the ubiqitous 'high fructose corn syrup') I could just feel the sweet, creamy cake-frostingesque filling eating it's way into my delicate molars as my pancreas screamed in alarm at the sudden onslaught of glucose, fructose and every other -ose they taught you about in sophomore chem class. After eating two of them, I was full, slightly nauseous- yet mysteriously craving more. As not to be a complete glutton, I split one with Gelo, Mr. Trail Mix himself. For a second, I found myself reliving the fat Gelo days.

If you yourself would like to experience the menagerie of overly sweetened goodness, check out
http://www.poptarts.com/promotions/poptarts/yummy.html. Notice how the cartoon pop tarts are all drawn with very concerned looks on their little pastry faces, peeking out from behind their respective boxes. It is apparant that they obviously know their place on the food chain and can see that the end is nigh.





Note the only difference between Mr. Apple Cinammon and his distant cousin Mr. French Toast (we'll call him Pierre) is Pierre's twirly mustache and...beret! Brilliant- Kellogg's marketing department. Brilliant.