Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts

I've decided there's so much random shit that goes on in my life that totally warrants posting something every day. Case study #1- Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts.

Last night started out like many other Monday nights- a quick call to Gelo and Federico, the usual "uh huh, let's just watch a movie at Federicos, see you at 8:30". After arriving at Federico's, Gelo made note of some pretty amazing new Pop Tart flavors that he had seen in the store. Now, mind you, I am no stranger to the "S'mores" and "Cinnamon Sugar" flavors that have made their way into my house in the past. However, nothing could have possibly prepared me for the assault on the senses that the good folks at Kellogg's have created, intended to keep all of the nation's children on a permanent sugar high under the innocuous guise of a "breakfast pastry". Chocolate chip cookie dough. Frosted Cookies n' Cream. Frosted Caramel Chocolate. The list goes on and on. Strawberry and Blueberry this ain't. Personally, I feel that any parent that chooses to feed their child anything containing the words "Hot Fudge Sundae" at 8 o'clock in the morning should be subject to some sort of child welfare investigation. "Sorry Mom, no eggs and toast for me this morning, I'll just pop two of these 'Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Cream' in the toaster instead...and a 20 oz. bottle of Jolt Cola to go with it".

Anyways, with little to watch on TV since the random breast-exposing, throat slashing extravaganza known as HBO's "Rome" had no new episodes on In-Demand, it was perfect excuse to make a run to everybody's favorite grocery superstore- the Super Stop 'n Shop to sample these insulin spiking treats.

Much to Gelo's dismay- the first choice "Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough" was sold out. Rather than having the balls to venture into "Frosted Caramel Chocolate" territory, he went for the standard "S'mores" while I, the true Lewis & Clark- took a bold step into the unknown with "Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae". After all, it wouldn't be a pop tart without the word "Frosted" stuck in there somehow- even though the thought of a literal frosted hot fudge sundae in itself seems improbably.

So there they were, in the toaster- warming themselves up to just the right temperature so that the inside is nice and melted and the pastry hard enough to give it just a little snap when you bite into it. Overall, I must say, these bad boys were so sweet (the first ingrediant listed is the ubiqitous 'high fructose corn syrup') I could just feel the sweet, creamy cake-frostingesque filling eating it's way into my delicate molars as my pancreas screamed in alarm at the sudden onslaught of glucose, fructose and every other -ose they taught you about in sophomore chem class. After eating two of them, I was full, slightly nauseous- yet mysteriously craving more. As not to be a complete glutton, I split one with Gelo, Mr. Trail Mix himself. For a second, I found myself reliving the fat Gelo days.

If you yourself would like to experience the menagerie of overly sweetened goodness, check out
http://www.poptarts.com/promotions/poptarts/yummy.html. Notice how the cartoon pop tarts are all drawn with very concerned looks on their little pastry faces, peeking out from behind their respective boxes. It is apparant that they obviously know their place on the food chain and can see that the end is nigh.





Note the only difference between Mr. Apple Cinammon and his distant cousin Mr. French Toast (we'll call him Pierre) is Pierre's twirly mustache and...beret! Brilliant- Kellogg's marketing department. Brilliant.