Countdown to 28: Pondering Getting Older Part 1

I received a postcard in the mail today from Kohl's that reads: "Join us for our President's Day Sales Event! Peel the sticker on the back and save an instant 15%, 20% or 30% off your total purchase".

Granted, I rarely shop at Kohls. I have a Kohl's card that I think I've used twice in two years. But the thought of the chance of getting THIRTY PERCENT off my total purchase was enough to make my heart race a little bit. The endless possibilities raced through my mind...THIRTY PERCENT off of what? A new welcome mat for my front door! A moderately priced vacuum! A graphic tee with a trademarked cartoon character logo from the 80's! A pair of generic Adidas sneakers! Picture frames! Sweatpants! Fuck the recession- this kid is going to town!!!

So I peel the label off- and just like Charlie, I got the golden ticket. 30% off! I did it. I beat all the other poor saps who got stuck with 15%. 30% off is all mine. The sale doesn't start until the 11th, so I'll be waiting with baited breath until then.

All else aside, does all this excitement over 30% off at Kohl's mean I'm really getting old?

Just When You Thought...

It's funny.

Sometimes just as you think you have everything figured out, the rug gets pulled out right from under you.

So yeah, I lost my job today. Wow- deja vu January 2008! Budget cuts. Not a reflection of your work or your efforts. Yeah yeah yeah we know.

At least this time I'll actually be eligible for unemployment. Suckling off the state's teat.

Trying to stay positive. Hoping I can actually work my way back into Sirius. I checked the job sites today and man it was pretty barren.

No need to go hiding the razors yet. I can make this work.

Chicken Fuckers

Every once in a while I like to check my spam folder on my AOL, just to make no legit mail has somehow fallen through the cracks and into the abyss of penis enlargement pills and the prince from Nigeria who wants to wire me a million dollars.

I was rather surprised to learn, however, that the vast majority of my junk mail as of late has been nothing but animal porn! Now, I love beastiality just as much as the next guy- but some of the subject liners were just too much that I felt I needed to share, along with some commentary...

"Farmer, his wife and...their pigs"
(Charlotte's Web this ain't!)

"Hard core dog lovers"
(My parents love their dog...does that make them hard core dog lovers? Probably not in the same context.)

"Boa creeping up into young slut"
(You can probably go into the snake house at the Bronx Zoo and see the same thing in person- admission is free on Wednesdays!!)

"Babe sucking a horse"
(Wait- Babe the pig?!? I guess Babe fell on some hard times and needed to turn to porn to survive. Like that girl on "Family Matters". Look for Babe on "Celebrity Rehab" soon!)

"Chicken fuckers"
(Is this some new KFC product? Do they come in popcorn chicken fuckers? If so- I'll have mine extra crispy, thanks!)

"The hooker and the dog"
(Think of it as "Pretty Woman" meets "Lassie Come Home"...Lassie Cum Home indeed!)

"Hot Brazilian MILF sucks horse"
(Hey- whatever makes you feel young and hot, go for it I guess. Here in Staten Island they usually just wear painfully inappropriate clothes and go tanning a lot. It's probably a good thing there are no horses on Staten Island!)

"Hot lesbians fuck dog"
(Giving new meaning to the term "take that bitch!")


As a bonus I thought I'd share the one I couldn't decipher. Perhaps one of you can make sense of it..

Subject: Oriental kooick lover pots make
Body: side tune away fur bark take

I'm going to venture ahead and say it's some sort of asian love poem. Crazy!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run to Western Union for the Prince of Nigeria. He's going to make me rich just for helping him out. I feel bad that he's in the situation he's in- but you know, everything is so fucked up in that part of the world it's the least I can do to help him.

2008

2008 was no 1988, that's for sure.

For one, there was no Samantha Fox to serenade me with "Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)". I also did not gain any siblings this year, as I did twenty years ago.

2008 was the year I lost a job, tasted the bitter herb of unemployment for the first time in my life, got a new job that actually pays a salary and benefits, went from being soft and out of shape to being in the best physical form I've ever been in, got my first gray hairs and started to feel all growed up.

As I sit here writing this in my hotel room in Mexico City, pondering the thought of spending my first New Year ever all alone, waiting for the car to pick me up to bring me to my DJ gig, I feel like 2009 is going to be a good year. I think I've reached a point in my life where I've surrounded myself with the right people and found the motivation I need to get what I want out of this fucked up world.

So tonight, as I look out over the skyline of Mexico City, I'll say Happy New Year to myself and smile and look forward to what lies ahead. It wasn't such a bad year after all...

Holiday Message To Myself: 2008 Edition, re: 2007 Edition

I haven't written in this thing in a while. Maybe it's because I actually have a life these days.

Whatever the case, I was looking back at my "Holiday Message to Myself" from last year (see December 20, 2007 posting) and I'd like to address myself a year later...


Dear James (re: Holiday Message To Myself 2007),

Get over yourself! You are totally dramatic!

Best Wishes,

James



That felt good.

Subway Graffiti

Getting off the N train at the 49th street station, I spotted this subway poster:



Scrawled across the faces of the women in black sharpie reads..

"Mercenary Whores Want Blood"

What that means, I have no idea, but somebody obviously wanted to make a statement

Hangin' Tough

Last night, as I left work at 1 in the morning to catch the express bus on 5th Avenue, I took my usual route, walking through Rockefeller Center when I encountered a largely female mob camping along the sidewalk of 49th street. I knew they must have been camping out for whatever music guest or performance was going to take place the following morning on the "Today" show. But what A-list music star could possibly be worth these ladies' time and energy that they were camped out like Darfur refugees along the sidewalk? Could it be Chris Brown? Daughtry? John Mayer? No...the closer I got to the ragtag group of refugee looking gals, most of whom were around my age, I saw things I haven't seen in 20 years...Dolls, bedspreads, sweatshirts....All adorned with none other than...New Kids On The Block....NKOTB....Like, what circle of hell had I just walked into? Was this 1988 or 2008?

For a moment I felt a secret sense of shame, knowing that at one time in my life I owned the cassingle (remember "cassingles") of "Hangin' Tough". It was purchased by my parents (along with the cassingle of Madonna "Express Yourself") as a reward for being a good boy and staying at my grandparents over the weekend while they went to AC.

I walked past the mob, having a grand ol' time in their sleeping bags and tents, eating chips, taking pictures, having some sort of twisted slumber party in the middle of the street and all I could think of is am I the only one that thought of the roaches all over the gutters crawling on the sidewalk?

Seriously, all I took away from that experience is the thought of these 30 year old women reliving their childhood with cockroaches scurrying over their sleeping bags while they lay there giggling and dreaming of Jordan Knight. Is there something wrong with me?