Every once in a while I like to check my spam folder on my AOL, just to make no legit mail has somehow fallen through the cracks and into the abyss of penis enlargement pills and the prince from Nigeria who wants to wire me a million dollars.
I was rather surprised to learn, however, that the vast majority of my junk mail as of late has been nothing but animal porn! Now, I love beastiality just as much as the next guy- but some of the subject liners were just too much that I felt I needed to share, along with some commentary...
"Farmer, his wife and...their pigs"
(Charlotte's Web this ain't!)
"Hard core dog lovers"
(My parents love their dog...does that make them hard core dog lovers? Probably not in the same context.)
"Boa creeping up into young slut"
(You can probably go into the snake house at the Bronx Zoo and see the same thing in person- admission is free on Wednesdays!!)
"Babe sucking a horse"
(Wait- Babe the pig?!? I guess Babe fell on some hard times and needed to turn to porn to survive. Like that girl on "Family Matters". Look for Babe on "Celebrity Rehab" soon!)
"Chicken fuckers"
(Is this some new KFC product? Do they come in popcorn chicken fuckers? If so- I'll have mine extra crispy, thanks!)
"The hooker and the dog"
(Think of it as "Pretty Woman" meets "Lassie Come Home"...Lassie Cum Home indeed!)
"Hot Brazilian MILF sucks horse"
(Hey- whatever makes you feel young and hot, go for it I guess. Here in Staten Island they usually just wear painfully inappropriate clothes and go tanning a lot. It's probably a good thing there are no horses on Staten Island!)
"Hot lesbians fuck dog"
(Giving new meaning to the term "take that bitch!")
As a bonus I thought I'd share the one I couldn't decipher. Perhaps one of you can make sense of it..
Subject: Oriental kooick lover pots make
Body: side tune away fur bark take
I'm going to venture ahead and say it's some sort of asian love poem. Crazy!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run to Western Union for the Prince of Nigeria. He's going to make me rich just for helping him out. I feel bad that he's in the situation he's in- but you know, everything is so fucked up in that part of the world it's the least I can do to help him.
