Take You Where?

I'm a DJ. I spend the better part of my days and nights playing music for people, for better or worse. As a DJ and an all around super smart person, I would like to think that I'm pretty perceptive in terms of analyzing popular music on a little bit more of a deeper level then the demograph most Top 40 stations are catering to (teenage girls). While I can appreciate some of this music for its ability to permanently embed itself in my head for days at a time (which is the point of most of these songs), I have to laugh when it comes to really sitting down and listening to these asinine lyrics. Usually the most asinine lyrics are reserved for the most asinine artists. Here are two shining examples...

Example..

Mariah Carey "Touch My Body"..



The song starts with this...

"Oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea oh yea"

No really, that's what I cut and pasted from the actual lyrics on a song lyrics site.

But wait, this part kills me..

"If it’s a camera up in here
Then its gonna leave with me when I do
I do
If it’s a camera up in here
Then I best not catch this flick on Youtube
Youtube

Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy interview
But this private between you and I"

Ok first of all Mariah, you can't put anything x-rated on Youtube. That's what XTube is for. So get your shit straight. They would sooo suspend your account if you tried to post that on Youtube! And if they did that I'd have nowhere to watch the remix video to "Always Be My Baby"! And secondly, a Wendy interview? Ok, I work in radio and I live in New York, so I know she's referring to Wendy Williams, but I'm sure the other 99% of the population is thinking of a Big Bacon Deluxe and a Frosty. And let's face it, it's not hard to imagine Mariah "interviewing" a Biggie Size #4 and dipping her fries in the Frosty.

And lastly..."But this private between you and I". Well she gets points for saying "you and I" and not "me and you", but fails at the basic use of intransitive verbs. I'm glad this private, Mariah, I really am. However, your failure to incorporate the most basic elements of the English language by failing to use the word "IS private.." really upsets me. Is the word "is" not ghetto enough for you? Are you letting Da Brat run your life that much, Mariah?


Now if Mariah is the queen of asinine lyrics, then she shares her crown with overweight Jamaican teen singer Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston is that fat kid who sang that song about a beautiful girl who had him suicidal. Suicidal. And while I think Sean could use a gastric bypass to go with his Prozac, his latest single, "Take You There" has me completely mystfied.




"We can go to the tropics
Sip piña coladas
Shorty I could take you there
Or we can go to the slums
Where killas get hung
Shorty I could take you there
You know I could take ya (I could take ya...)
I could take ya (I could take ya...)
Shorty I could take you there
You know I could take ya (I could take ya...)
I could take ya (I could take ya...)
Shorty I could take you there"


Am I missing something here? I think Sean should go out and survey 100 shorties and ask them which they would prefer. The slums or paradise. Survey says...Paradise! I mean, I understand some people have an adventurous spirit, but would you really want to be stuck in a West Indian slum with Sean Kingston? Sean Kingston is totally the Rerun of the West Indies. And to make matters worse, according to Sean, "killas get hung" in the slums! I don't know if that means that there's a gallows in the town square, but I sure wouldn't want to find out! If Sean asked me which I prefered, I would confuse the fuck out of him and tell him I wanted to sip Pina Coladas, but in the slums, not paradise. I'd like to watch his head explode when I gave him that answer.

I hope you enjoyed my in depth look at some popular songs. I'm off to my Wendy interview now!