Cannibal Ferox

First off, before you start scratching your head at the sight of the word "Ferox", the answer is no, it's not a word. Numerous searches of the word yield no result. With that in mind, watching this movie was sure to be a treat. Federico's basement has long been the breeding ground of our hysterical delight over everything from Asian broads throwing up on each other and eating it to Tubchumming (you don't want to know). Cannibals are surely no match for our seasoned immunity to all things sick and shocking.





The only real reason I wanted to see this film, besides sparing us a night of watching reruns of "Good Times" (more on that later), was because this particular film was something I remembered from my childhood. Remember those oversized coverbox horror movies that the mom and pop video stores used to carry? The kind that family friendly Blockbuster would never dare touch. At age nine, when you see an oversized coverbox of a movie called "Make Them Die Slowly" that was "banned in 31 countries", it certainly piques more interest than "The Adventures of Milo and Otis". So I guess in some small way my life has come full circle by actually viewing this film. Ok, maybe that's a stretch.

So here's where I get lazy. For me to sit and actually give a synopsis of the entire film and then critique it would be a huge undertaking. And its 1:45 AM, with my laptop resting precariously on my cheese popcorn engorged stomach. It's not happening. So here's what Wikipedia has to say...

Cannibal Ferox also known as "Make Them Die Slowly" is Umberto Lenzi's 1981 variation on Ruggero Deodato's "Cannibal Holocaust". The film is one of many to claim that it is the "most violent film ever made", is allegedly banned in thirty-one countries, although this is debatable; while the hype always speaks of 31 countries, it never seems to specify which 31 countries those actually are. Lenzi shamelessly beefs up what is basically a threadbare adventure yarn set in the Amazon jungle with some jaw-droppingly nasty set-pieces including animal mutilation, eye-gouging, castration, cannibalism (as the title suggests) and his coup-de-grace, a live and screaming female victim impaled through both breasts by suspended iron hooks, identical to the torture Richard Harris endured in A Man Called Horse. Although Lenzi's film is far from subtle, it's a fairly energetic piece with reasonable performances and some interesting points are made amidst the gore and mayhem. John Morghen (AKA Giovanni Lombardo Radice) offers a memorable turn as a drug-crazed, womanizing lout, and porn star Robert Kerman (the star of Deodato's film) turns up as a world-weary New York detective.

So now that you get the idea of what the movie was about, I can honestly state that we howled and laughed our way through this entire film. Genital mutilation? Crying with laughter. Woman suspended by iron hooks through her breasteses? On the floor. Random mutilation and eating of huge Amazonian turtle. That's where I draw the line. So wrong. Fucking depraved. I'm totally being sarcastic.

Anyways, there are a couple of points regarding this film that I need to comment on. First off, why does EVERY single Italian horror movie made between 1975-1985 all follow the EXACT same story arc. Literally. Opening credits= The New York skyline. These Italian filmmakers have more footage of lower Manhattan than all the Al-Qaidas in the Middle East (not to mention the sleazy, pre-Disneyfied Times Square!). First ten minutes of story= New York City. Rest of movie= Someone from New York City goes to jungle/deserted island to investigate a disappearence. People die horribly. The only difference is whether the killings are done by cannibals or zombies. Another thing, the dubbing is horrible, yet it seems that even the English speaking characters' voices are dubbed over, which I don't get. It appears that some actors are really speaking English and others Italian. Oh, and let's not forget the soundtrack to these films. "Cannibal Ferox" sports a soundtrack that any 1980 period piece would want- funky, four on the floor disco music over the opening credits, funky jungle-type atmosphere music, loud grating "cannibals are eating people" music. It's sort of like Madonna's first album, except replace the rubber bracelets and Boy Toy belt with some authentic beheadings and castrations.

So, once again, we have succeeded in entertaining ourselves with what was probably meant to shock and disgust most people. Next on the list..."Cannibal Holocaust". Not to be confused with "Zombie Holocaust"...Or "Zombie" (AKA "Zombie 2"). You need a scorecard to tell these movies apart, but if you happen to come across any film with any combination of the words "Zombie" "Apocalypse" "Cannibal" or "Holocaust" in the title, pick it up. Pop in the DVD. If the movie opens with disco music and the Twin Towers, you know it's gonna be good.


Pat gives the movie two iron hooks through the nipples up! Way to go!


Opening credits...Or Al-Qaeda handbook?


Mike just had his willy chopped off by the natives. Yet he will continue to run around the jungle, dickless, for the next 20 minutes bearing no signs of trauma.


Maybe if you didn't decide randomly that lesbian raping a native girl for no good reason, you wouldn't be in this cage screaming. Yes, you read correct.


Low carb, full of protein.