The Great Pumpkin

Last night marked an annual holiday tradition, the yearly viewing of "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".


Unlike most Peanuts specials, the primary plot revolves more around Linus than that blockhead Charlie Brown. We watch the second baldest kid in the Peanuts gang camp out at the local pumpkin patch (seemingly located mere feet from the front door of the Van Pelt house) to wait for the Great Pumpkin. Supposedly, this mystical being rewards any asshole with more red and black stripes on their shirt than brain cells in their head with toys, candy and sexual favors. Leave it to Linus and slut in training Sally to spend the night missing out on "tricks or treats" (was it a pluralized term in 1966?) and Violet's Halloween Sex Party. For someone with as much insight into the true meaning of Christmas, misguided Linus has sorely missed the mark with the paganist of pagan holidays.

Charlie Brown, in the meantime, has managed to fuck up his ghost halloween costume by cutting ten holes too many in the white sheet. Can this blockhead do ANYTHING right? Most of the other kids in a gang are dressed as ghosts as well, leading me to believe that there were a shortage of plastic flammable Freddy Krueger costumes and Jason hockey masks. Lucy goes as a witch, which is rather fitting considering she is an evil bitch.

The gang goes trick or treating- and poor Charlie Brown gets rocks in his candy bag from every house they go to. Now, granted, all the kids are pretty mean to Charlie Brown. I wouldn't be surprised if Charlie Brown grew up to be a bald round headed goth kid plotting to shoot up his high school. But even the ADULTS in this town manage to fuck with Charlie Brown, giving him rocks instead of candy. Which reminds me, where the hell are these kids' parents? Lucy and Linus carve a pumpkin with a butcher knife on the living room floor. Wouldn't you think Mr. or Mrs. Van Pelt would exercise caution before handing over sharp knives to a seven and five year old?


In a further subplot, Snoopy is the WWI flying ace, being pursued by the Red fucking Baron. This is a thinly veiled way to waste a good five minutes of airtime, showing Snoopy's trek through the French countryside. Waste. Of. Time.

Back at the pumpkin patch, Sally has become a whining little asshole, complaning how she's wasted her Halloween sitting in a pumpkin patch when she could have been out getting candy and going to the party. Um, bitch, unless you forgot, Linus didn't put a gun to your head. You freely gave up your night out in the hopes of getting some hardcore Linus action in the pumpkin patch. So don't even fucking try that shit. If I were Linus, I would have choked her to death with my blanket. Oh, and speaking of Linus' blanket, has anybody else noticed how he drags that thing all over the place outside the house. You would think it was the filthiest piece of material on earth. Anyways, Snoopy turns up in the pumpkin patch and Linus faints like a little bitch when he thinks it's the Great Pumpkin making his grand entrance. He winds up spending the whole night in the pumpkin patch until Lucy wakes up at four in the morning and finds him freezing outside. Again, where are the goddamn parents?


So what have we learned, Charlie Brown? Linus is half retarded and carries around a filthy blanket. Sally is an obnoxious slut that will probably grow up to marry a man who drinks and beats her. Charlie Brown will go on to join the Trenchcoat Mafia. Pigpen will never take a bath. Secondary characters like Violet will be spared the mighty axe of Charles Schulz while others such as "Patty" (the broad in the green dress) will be unceremoniously written off to make room for future lesbian Peppermint Patty in the early 1970's. But in all fairness, joking aside, "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" is a wonderful half hour escape from the real world that only happens once a year, and it still never disappoints.