Ask Dr. Baden...If You Haven't Figured It Out Yourself

Some of you, who may be privileged enough to indulge in such luxuries as premium cable channels, might know of a little HBO series called "Autopsy". "Autopsy", complete with overly dramatic reinactments, somber voiceovers and images of toe-tagged dead people, is everything you could possibly ask for when theres nothing else on TV and you have a good hour or so to kill before bedtime. All of the stories are tied together by Dr. Michael Baden, whose credentials I am too lazy to start looking up- but he's the Medical Examiner dude who solves all the cases.



So, in this "very special" installment of the Autopsy series, viewers are allowed to write in ask things like "why did my babies die?", which leads me to the very point of this entry- Why did your babies die? BECAUSE YOUR FAT ASS SUFFOCATED THEM IN THE BED!

No I'm serious.

Terrie Petrie, this rather rotund lady from Canada with really bad 80's looking hair, writes to Dr. Baden to figure out how her babies died. One, a little girl died and two years later, a set of twins died. All of them died after sleeping the bed with her. Now, it probably doesn't take a rocket sceintist to put two and two together here. Actually, it took me about 2 minutes to figure this one out. This bangs-sporting fat chick rolled on top of her babies and suffocated them to death. Three times.

You successfully managed to suffocate three of your children, and you needed Dr. Baden to help you figure that one out? Lady, I could've told you that in three minutes. Perhaps an episode of "Extreme Makeover" would suit you more.

But for future reference- it's called a fucking crib. And I'm sorry, I swear to God I am not trying to make light of anybody losing a child, but in the interview segment, Terrie tries to explain how sleeping in the bed with babies is supposed to create a bond or something (as if breastfeeding isn't enough). Dr. Baden counters it by saying "in the 1800's, these sort of deaths were so common that cribs were created, and its why people use them today".

Absolutely priceless. Again, it's called a crib.